So I broke Matts heart,
and I feel terrible. I have never hurt anyone before
that I know of.
I didn't know he actually cared about me
and i thought he was a player
and he spilled his guts and told me he
could never give up.
at the end of the fone conversation I got-
I don't want to say goodbye.

So, I got a 1*

So,
this weekend-
cass and I saw 
TAKING BACK SUNDAY
it was amazing.
a little grody
a little ruff 
but simply outstanding.

Ehhhhh this mushy weather brings me down
my good friends bring me down
my dreams bring me down
my flat iron being gone brings me down
making up swimming brings me down
Jeff's voice which I need for solo ensemble brings me down
my mom being angry at me brings me down


Going to Bootleggers is a plus
 Hanging out with my friends is a plus
going to the Taking Back Sunday concert on Saturday is a plus


Chorale try-outs worry me.


So I got a phone call from Alyssa yesterday, 
and what was discussed on this phone bothered me greatly.
We start off talking about Jessi, like lately she has been lying to us about ridiculious things like boys.
So Alyssa goes into this whole thing, talking about everyone of her friends   
EVERYONE 
like how Adam annoys her but yet her friends annoy him and that's wrong,
and then like
how aja did this, kim st.peter did that, and all this stuff which its like pity stuff but it still bothers me
and then I think about it, like ugh she probably talks about me.
Then I guess Jessi was saying how I always talk about Chris
Ex: Her brother is really sick and she said I interupted her and mentioned something about Chris.  She stated this to alyssa.  I was greatly UPSET, because that was so false.  I completely understood what was going on.
I told her to call me if she needed and she tried to feel sorry for me and my mom and I was like no your 
going through something right now and your not doing good and tried to be a good friend.
Jessi also was saying how pissed she was that I hang out with Chris more than them.  Well to be honest, I don't hang out with anyone but Chris.  Chris lives down the street from me, and transportation for me is sooooo hard- Jessi and Alyssa live out in Pleasent Prarie.  I barely hung out with them before Chris and I started going out.  I barely hang out with NAOMI and her and I have been friends since Kindergarden.  Like I couldn't believe they were talking about me, I usually talk about ppl in concern not just to talk and that COMPLETELY upsets me.  
I might have an ulcier in my stomach and My mom said she would call the doctors but she is so self consumed that she hasn't called them yet, and I mentioned that so she is PISSED at me.
On the other hand I am so EXCITED for 
TAKING BACK SUNDAY 
saturday with 
my CASS, I Miss her, I LOVE HER, she makes me feel wanted you know as in friends and she really has never done me wrong or made me feel like NOT INTELLIGENT well maybe once or twice but like she's here for me and IDK but I love hanging out with  her.


sigh*

Recently, My boyfriend and his friends have been having some problems with these two girls. These two girls were really good friends with them.   I assumed everything kind of snapped since I came into the picture.  I assume this because when my boyfriend and these girls agrued they brought me into it.  I don't care who told whom what.  But rumors were going round.  That I was using Chris and Squeak and I have been hanging out?  I said something right, like I asked what was said, It came out meanly.  So ever since they call me names like 
Slut, and Whore.  Bitch  too.

How CHILDISH right?  Well to make things worse my boyfriend antagonizes it.  I don't feel bad for an instant but there are arguements over texts, egging of houses, mean fone calls.  I mean how ridiculious.  Police might be gettin involved and counslers.  I think this is all kid games, and honestly if you don't have a life don't waste it starting drama.

My phone bill 
is outrageous.
Between my house phone
and my cell phone
I am gunna get money taken away.
Sigh*
this stinks.

i talked to my real father.
the first time in years.
i miss him.
I want to be like him
even if it is wrong 
Our conversation was great. My step dad hates that.  I can't help that. My real dad..is one of the cockiest persons I know.  He acts young- you can tell he is a stoner and amazing at art.  I think he expected me to be more like him. Hey, I do look like him. But he is the reason i love art so much is because his blood is running through my vains.  I loved hearing stories of the past. Like when I got an orange peel stuck up my nose, or when I liked the music he liked when I was a baby.  I loved hearing his voice. i was so forgiving and now when I think about it, I shouldn't of. He hasn't been here for me.  I felt like that was the part that was missing when I talked to him. I loved it, every mintue.  Hopefully I can see him soon.  I would be so thankful for that.  He reasures me that he is doing better, I hope he really is.  I admire he kept going as an artist-I am not so happy that he gave me and my sister up to that.   






something else that is new, ryan erskine flat out told me he loved me, and has always loved me. He was scared to admit it, and he was upset that i did things with dan and squeak.  He stated he wishes it were like it was in the past when i loved him, when i layed with him how he was so happy.  I think to myself- great timing.  
He and I were suppose to hang out yesterday but he went to a vollyball meet during the only time i could hang out.  So i felt that he ditched me, he called me and I couldve hung out with him but i decided not to because I don't want heartache again, because we know I will always care about him.  They way I saw him look at me today...i could see that it hurt him to see  me with chris.  AHhhh, i don't know.






I am done.

Lately I haven't been doing well you guys.
Um, I kinda had a break down two days in a row of constant crying.
My mom is drinking.  She is overdosing in pain meds.  She faked a breathing attack so I would walk to her to the hospital to do what?  Get pain pills.
My dad yells at me constantly for ridculious things when I have much bigger problems to be worrying about
Riley isn't going to school because my sister decides not to wake him up for school in the morning so i have the school talking to me about that.  Well my mom could do that but ugh no she is passed out.  anyways My sister and I got into a huge fight she basically scratched up my face. And we are still not talking which hurts because she is the one i need when i am upset.   It just hurts cuz i ask these people to stop and nobody does.   Speaking of needing someone, Naomi seems to know me less and less everyday and like I saw her when Abby Stevens showed up to school and how excited she got when she arrived and I never get that excitement.  I always do it for her.  



Last weekend Eric Algiers supposedly my friend, he tried to take advantage of me.  I blew up and exploded and told chris. Normally I keep everything a secret so nobody would get mad at me. I told chris.  He deserves to know and I am sick of people trying to take or taking advantage of me.  First Eric, then his brother, and Eric again. It's unfair. I thought eric was my friend.  So chris told squeak and everyone and nobody believes me, I guess  the story is that squeak was with eric and brian at the time i was with eric. they were at miraz.  UM no ERIC was with me.  Eric denys that we even hung out.  I definately don't trust him anymore.  All the talks and crap we've had like ugh- how do i know he wasn't just trying to get in my pants the whole time.   And they are all trying to cover up for him or whatever they were trying to do.  Eric was hanging out with Brian and Squeak before he came and picked me up.  It's unbelievable, So dan feels it's ok to tell everyone like its some joke.  And he doesn't believe me and told me everything I said was bullshit.  So he and I got into it. We ended up arguing, he made me cry when I was at the bowling alley with chris.  At school he came up to me and started crap and chris just stood there and watched it.  He walked away with dan and let dan do that to me.  So i was upset.   

I was upset with the whole world in the past two days.  

I couldn't do anything but cry.
My thrid grade teacher talked to me, he knew I was troubled.  He told me that I can't try to control the things I can't control like my mom and my brother, my sister, my dad, my friends. I just have to do whats right for me.  My grades are going excellent right now, and mr. wells complemented me on my playing in orchestra the other day.  My art is going in the art case at school. I don't know things like that and my work are going well.  That's what I need to be worried about.  So today I woke up and decided don't let things tamper me down.  It's not going to get me anywhere crying. 
Just make the best of things